Raising Children of Character

Abstract

Worldviews affect how children are viewed and treated. The Christian worldview says God is the One who gives children to couples. The secular worldview says that it takes a village to raise children. The Christian worldview says that parents are the ones who are tasked to raise children using the Bible as a blueprint. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The secular worldview says that parenting philosophies and styles should be fluid and change; what’s good for one generation was good for that generation and the newer generation will parent children differently. This paper will explain how to raise children of character by creating and upholding boundaries, having the right balance of healthy love, and overcoming the parents’ past. Sources include the book Loving Your Child Too Much, the book Boundaries With Kids, the book Caring For People God’s Way, and others.

Keywords: Parenting, character, boundaries, balance

Raising Children of Character

Parents tend to parent for the present without thinking about the future. Parents deal with the issues of the current day-children fighting with siblings, talking back, or caring for hurts-with little or no thought on the big picture of raising their children. Making it through the day in one piece is a victory. One goal of parenting is keeping an eye on the future; developing children to be responsible adults (Cloud, 1998 P. 14).  In their book Boundaries With Kids, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend share that parents are preparing their children for the future; that a person’s character is their destiny. Character largely determines how a person will function in life. That character is almost everything (P. 14). A person’s character makeup determines their future.

The word character has different meanings to different people. For some, character deals with morality. Everyone, both child and adult alike, struggle with an inner warfare of the heart that is expressed externally in issues of character (Clinton, 2002. P. 182). It is God Who has enabled humanity to have a healthy relationship with Himself through His Son’s blood which enables humanity to have a well-developed character. Character describes a person’s entire makeup; morality, spirituality, and integrity.  Basically, character is who a person truly is (Cloud, 1998 P.14). With everything pulling at children, parents must have a laser focus to help their children develop into an adult with character.

Creating and Upholding Boundaries

In psychological terms, children are egocentric; the world revolves around their needs and desires. When children are infants, they are dependent on their parents to care for all their needs (i.e. feedings, clean diapers, bathes, etc.). As infants grow into toddlers and into children, boundaries are to be put in place to help the child learn and develop into responsible adults; adults with character. A boundary is a property line that defines where one person ends and someone else begins (Cloud, 1998, P. 17). Boundaries help children learn they are not the center of the universe. It is the job of the parents to create boundaries to help teach their children self-control.

Parents are creating their children’s future so creating reasonable boundaries from early in a child’s life goes a long way to establish positive patterns. Adults live out what they were taught as children so it is important for parents to not only create boundaries but uphold or enforce them (Cloud, 1998, P. 15). The Bible is clear on how important parents are in the lives of their children; Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The idea of training implies time; it will take time and commitment by parents to teach their children and boundaries help children to develop self-control and ultimately character.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book Boundaries With Kids, provide lessons or principles to help parents create and uphold boundaries for their children. These principles are designed to help children learn to be well-rounded, healthy, and responsible adults. At first children will not appreciate the boundaries their parents set for them; they will push back; however, it is the job of the parent to lovingly uphold or enforce the boundaries. The boundaries are there to help their growth and not hinder their growth.

One lesson parents should teach children is to distinguish between psychological and negative relational consequences verses reality consequences. Psychological and negative relational consequences (i.e. nagging, withdrawing love, getting angry, etc.) usually motivate people to change but those changes are short lived. Reality consequences (i.e. pain or loss of time, money, possessions, etc.) help create long term or permanent changes in behavior (Cloud, 1998. P. 58).  

Another lesson parents should teach their children is learning to be responsible. Children are to grow in their responsibility in such areas as their emotions, attitudes, and behavior. When a child develops responsibility in the area of emotions, they are able to label their feelings. When a child develops responsibility in the area of attitudes, they will be equipped to take stances and generate an opinion toward people and issues. When a child develops responsibility in the area of behavior, they will be able to conduct themselves well in private and in public. Learning the lesson of responsibility will develop children’s self-control (Cloud, 1998. P. 76-80).

To create appropriate boundaries, children need to have power; to have the ability to control something. This power can range from putting together a puzzle to dancing in a dance recital. Learning the proper use of power helps children develop their boundaries (Cloud, 1998. P. 88). Parents are to be hands on, to be a guide, to help their child in this process. The child will need help to know what power they have and know what power they do not have; since children do not have the maturity to know that they have limits. Parents are to help to teach the child to accept their limits (Cloud, 1998. P. 99). During this process, parents are the one in control and not the children. During this lesson-as with other life lessons- parents are to guide their children through the process of developing and growing into an adult of character.  

For some parents, creating boundaries might be easy but upholding or enforcing the boundaries will be more challenging. Children need more than a parent who talks about boundaries; they need a parent who will be the boundaries (Cloud, 1998. P. 207). There are three reality checks that parents must come to terms with when parenting children. Children are sinners just like adults. Romans 3:23 says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” so they are not perfect. The second reality check is that since children aren’t prefect, children behavior and their attitude might drive a parent crazy. Bad behavior or bad attitude could be a symptom of another problem; possibility a problem with the boundary being set by the parent. Parents must be patient because the child’s character is still being developed. The third reality is that time doesn’t always heal all everything. Don’t push off correction and enforcement of boundaries hoping a child will outgrow bad behavior or an attitude. Parents shouldn’t avoid dealing with problems. By avoiding a child’s bad behavior or poor attitude, the devil could have an opportunity to stunt the growth of character development (Cloud, 1998. P. 208-210).

By creating and upholding boundaries, parents are laying a strong foundation for their children to grow into adults of character. Having the right balance of healthy love between parents and children will go even further in raising children of character.

Having the Right Balance of Healthy Love

To raise children of character, there must be a balance of healthy love. In the book Loving Your Child Too Much, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that there is a love gap between parents and their children. This occurs when parents overprotect, overcontrol, or overindulge their children (P. 5). The issue isn’t that parents don’t love their children, it’s the decisions parents make in the name of love that is creating an imbalance (Clinton, 2006. P. 7).

Good parents want to see their children safe and content. The issue is when parents overapply their love toward their children that is causing the damage. Protecting children from the evil of the world is a God-given responsibility to parents. But overprotecting will bruise the spirit and keep a child from growing into strong, independent adult capable of earning trust and making good decisions (Clinton, 2006. P. 9).

Overcontrolling parents do so from a healthy desire to help their children to take ownership of their behavior and learn to live within limits. This method usually backfires causing the child to rebel, become angry, and emotionally withdrawn. These parents only want their children to succeed, but instead allowing their children the reasonable latitude they stress perfectionism (Clinton, 2006. P. 11).  The word usually said by parents who are overcontrolling is “No.”

While the overcontrolling parent says “No;” the parent who overindulges says “Yes.” Yes to clothes; yes to toys; yes to privileges. Overindulged children become addicted to the next great thing. These children live in a cycle of dissatisfaction and greed. The reason parents overindulge range from guilt to issues from their own childhood (Clinton, 2006. P. 12-13).

Parents who overprotect, overcontrol, or overindulge their children mean well. These parents are doing their best to raise their children; however, they are not raising children of character. Parents are the key factor how children turn out. Parents set the tone; especially the fathers. Dr. Gary Smalley in his book The Key To Your Child’s Heart, writes that there are four basic categories of parents. Two types of parents tend to cause their children to resent authority, and two types that tend to produce more positive acting children (P. 48). The four basic types of parents are the Dominant Parent, the Neglectful Parent, the Permissive Parent, and the Loving and Firm Parent. The dominant parents have lower ability to show love or warm support; they tend to hold to established rigid rules and limitations. The neglectful parents tend to lack warmth and loving support and do not set limits or rules around the house. The permissive parents have a greater tendency to be loving, warm, supportive, and approving, but lack the ability to establish clearly defined rules and limits. The loving and firming parents have established clearly defined limits and rules and are more diligent in communicating warmth and love toward their children (Smalley, 1992. P. 58).   

The key to raising children of character is balance; a healthy balance of love. There is always time to change from overprotecting, overcontrolling, overindulging, being a dominant, a neglectful, or a permissive parent to being a loving and firming parent.

The Bible offers parents help with understanding what love truly means and how to love. Jesus explains in Matthew 22:37-40, that God’s entire law rests on the principle of love: loving God and loving neighbors. Parents are to train their children to be able to love others and to be able to receive love (Clinton, 2006. P.62). The best way for parents to train their children to love is to model how to love. Parents should follow the “Golden Rule of Parenting,” which is to treat their children the way the parent wishes to be treated. This is based on Matthew 7:12. By following the “Golden Rule of Parenting,” a foundation of healthy balanced love between parent and child is laid (Clinton, 2006. P. 63). A strong element to healthy and balanced love is a relationship, and this relationship will affect a child’s behavior and help in the development of character.

Good behavior is anchored by a strong, loving relationship. In the book Loving Your Child Too Much, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write about a philosophy called the “Three R’s of Parenting.” The three R’s are rules, relationship, and respect; rules with relationship lead to respect, but rules without relationship lead to rebellion (P. 74). There are five elements to positive relationships; they are empathy, assertiveness, respect, warmth, and responsiveness. Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s feelings. This is one of the most powerful qualities in a relationship. Assertiveness is respectfully expressing one’s feelings and perspectives.  Respect is more shown than taught; children observe how parents treat each other. Warmth is an emotional tone. It’s in a person’s facial expressions and body language. Responsive parents understand that each one of their children are unique and different; each were created by God for a purpose (Clinton, 2006. P. 76-79). The balance of healthy love in a relationship is the heart of being a parent; a parent who is raising children of character.

Overcoming The Past

Parents tend to use the same parenting style their parents used; good, bad, or indifferent. What if this style goes against creating and upholding boundaries and having the right balance of healthy love? The majority of those who are overprotecting, overcontrolling, or overindulging parents had parents who were overprotecting, overcontrolling, and/or overindulging. In order for some parents to be able to raise children of character, these parents need to overcome their past.

In order for a parent to overcome their past, this person must examine their past to avoid repeating errors in their own children’s lives and affecting their future. Unless a concerted effect is made, bad habits can be passed on in families from generation to generation. The generational connection is passed on genetically, environmentally, and spiritually. Knowing a person’s genetically predisposition, their environmentally predisposition, and their spiritually predisposition will help know how to stop the harmful cycle. The Bible’s Old Testament (Exodus 20:5; Numbers 14:18; Nehemiah 9:2) speaks how generational sins can be broken so the next generation can be free from repeating the cycle (Anderson, 1995. P. 330-334).     

A person’s spiritual predisposition plays a large part in how a person parents their children. Even if a parent is a Christian, they still have an environmental predisposition that will influence their parenting style. Every parent defaults to how they are parented when under stress. In order to help limit this, ever person must examine how they were parented and seek God’s help to overcome a harmful parenting legacy.

In the book Why You Do The Things You Do, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that children depend on their mother’s sensitive and responsive care. The early relationship between mother and child shape chemical processes in the brain. The processes that are being developed are a person’s impulse control, emotional calmness, and early memory development (P.16). A child’s relationship or lack thereof with either a mother or a father will shape a person’s relationship style. Every person has a relationship style. There are four primary styles; Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent, and Disorganized (Clinton, 2006 P. 49-126). Knowing what each relationship style will help a parent know how their past could affect their children’s development into children of character.

The first relationship style is Secure. The beliefs that fuel the Secure style are “I’m worthy of love,” “I’m capable of getting love,” and “Other people are willing and able to love me (Clinton, 2006 P. 49).” A person with the Secure style is confident in who they are; both in their abilities and in their deficiencies. Secure people don’t feel pressure to perform for others to earn self-worth points. The internal sense of security frees people with this relationship style to freely express their thoughts and opinions with confidence (Clinton, 2006 P. 51). Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that people with the secure relationship style have been shaped in an environment where their feelings have been respected so in turn, they respect the feelings of other people (P. 52). Since a person with this style has confidence, they trust others; a trust not based on naivety, but based on trusting others that they have selected through a connection (P. 54). Sensitive parenting lays the stepping-stones to a secure relationship style. Sensitive parenting is characterized by four main goals; regulating emotions, knowing a warm relationship, self-awareness, and developmental focus (P.55).

The second relationship style is Avoidant. The beliefs that fuel the Avoidant style are “I’m worthy of love based on my success and accomplishments,” Other people are either unwilling or incapable of loving me,” and “Other people are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs (Clinton, 2006 P. 67).” Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy’s research shows that avoidant style people can be very desirous of a relationship, but love ones may actually feel much unloved and abandon. The two doctors go further and say that the person with an avoidant style does not enjoy being known because it awakens repressed feelings of loss about not being known as a child by a parent or parents (P. 70). Research has identified insensitive parenting (i.e. dismissive parenting, rejection, and intrusive parenting) as the one behavior that must consistently leads to insecurity and avoidant relationship style (Clinton, 2006 P. 83).

The third relationship style is Ambivalence. The beliefs that fuel of the Ambivalent style are “I’m not worthy of love,” I’m not capable of getting love without being angry, clingy, or desperate,” and “Other people are capable of meeting my needs but might not do so because of my flaws.” The major factor in this relationship style can be traced back to the fear of abandonment because being raised in an emotionally confusing climate (Clinton, 2006 P. 87). On the outside, people with the ambivalent relationship style are wonderful people to be around. Their outside shows one thing but in the inside they are full of fear; the fear of abandonment. This fear can be traced to how this style was parented. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the primary goal of good parenting is to help children develop into functioning adults. They go further in their book and show the parenting styles (The Cold-should Treatment, Overprotection, Withholding Affection/Approval, and Invisible Fences) that can produce an ambivalent style person. The cold-shoulder treatment is when a child disagrees with the parent and they push them away emotional. Overprotection is when the parent keeps the child from any type of harm; they remain dependent. Withholding affection and/or approval happens when a child shows too much excitement when try some independence from their parent; this response dampens a child’s sense of autonomy. Invisible fence works a lot like the invisible fencing that keep animals in a yard; there is pain associated when the child crossed an unidentified line. The result for the ambivalent style person is fear and anxiety when faced with independence from the caregiver (P. 96-97).  

The fourth and final relationship style is Disorganized. The beliefs that fuel the Disorganized style are “I’m not worthy of love,” Other people aren’t able to meet my needs,” and “Other people are abusive, and I deserve it (Clinton, 2006 P. 103).” Persons with this relationship style find darkness everywhere they turn. There is no greener grass on the other side of the fence; the grass is dead on both sides. This relationship style is a product of their upbringing. The person could have suffered abandonment, been treated with inconsistent love and abuse, and have been subjected to contradictory communication; all of which contribute to the person sense of helplessness (Clinton, 2006 P. 103-105). (Thomasson, 2012)

Parents can overcome their past with the power of God in their lives. Because of the blood of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, parents can do all thing through Christ (Philippians 4:13). For some, the best way to overcome the past is to forgive; forgiving parents for failures in order to be able to parent the next generation. A person’s motivation to forgive is to please God (Clinton, 2005 P. 119). Parents who overcome their past are better equipped to lovingly guide their children to grow into adults of character.

Conclusion

Children raised with good boundaries learn to be responsible for their lives and the choices made; for the responsible adult, the sky is the limit (Cloud, 1998. P. 28). Children are a heritage from God; parents who love their children without overprotecting, overcontrolling, or overindulging are creating fertile ground where character can be grown. When parents overcome their past so it will not affect their ability to set appropriate boundaries and give balanced love, their children benefit. Parents need to remember that children learn most of life lessons from their parents by watching how the parents live. In order to raise children of character, parents need to model character for their children.

 

References

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring For People God’s Way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Clinton, T. & Ohlschlager, G. (2002). Competent Christian Counseling. New York, NY: WaterBrook Multnomah.

Clinton, T. & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Anderson, D. N. (2003). Discipleship Counseling. Ventura, CA: Regal.

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J (1998). Boundaries With Kids. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Clinton, T. & Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving Your Child Too Much. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Smalley, Gary (1992). The Key To Your Child’s Heart. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomasson, T. (2012). Fortifying A Marriage Unpublished Manuscript, Liberty University, Lynchburg, VA.

Fortifying A Marriage

Abstract

Marriage is a commitment between one man and one woman for life; however, the sanctity of marriage is under attack. Today’s society has reduced marriage to being a union until one or the other person is ready to walk away. With the divorce rate giving a couple a 50/50 chance to last, many are wondering how to make a marriage last for a life time. Marriage takes more than love; a life-long marriage is a decision to keep the commitment to each other and to the God Who put two people together. A marriage can be destroyed before a couple are ever wed; diverse issues from a couple’s past can and will affect how each communicates and how each views the other will shape the foundation of a marriage. This paper will explain how to fortify a marriage to ensure a life-long and God honoring union by seeing how to lay the right foundation, seeing how past experiences play a part, and keeping God as the focal point. Sources include the book Love and Respect, the book Why You Do The Things You Do, the book Caring For People God’s Way, and others.

Keywords: Premarital counseling, marriage, divorce, relationships

Fortifying A Marriage

According Genesis 2:24-25 (For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.), God instituted marriage. God designed humanity for intimacy. God created humanity for the most intimate of intimacy; man and woman are to become one flesh (Clinton, 2006). In the beginning, marriage was a prefect picture of the relationship between God and man. Marriage is sacred; based on Genesis 2:24-25, the couple (both man and woman) are to leave their families. This means more than leaving in a moving away sense; it’s more of an emotional leaving in order for the couple to cleave to one another. Cleaving to each other, the couple creates a permanent union that cannot and should not be broken. Lastly, in marriage a couple is to weave or form a oneness. This is the idea God had for marriage and it was this way until sin entered into the world and sin warped the ideal of marriage. The warping of the ideal of marriage affects both secular and Christian marriages.

The warping of the ideal of marriage can be seen in the statistics on divorce. Current divorce statistics in America is estimated at 50%. This data is not accurately correct, however, it is reasonably close to the actual rate. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that "Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue", which is actually a projection. Commonly said, 50% of all marriages in the America end in divorce (Divorce Statistics. n.d.). According to Dr. Clinton in his lecture “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted,” he cites a number of statistics that may surprise most people. He states the regular data that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but goes further and states that the percentage of couples who separate and remain separated without actually officially divorcing is 66% to 67% (personal communication, August 21, 2012). With the different information that is available and resources available, the change of a marriage lasting a life-time is 50%; at best. To ensure a marriage can be long-lasting and God pleasing union, the marriage must be fortified.

Laying The Right Foundation

In order for a building to last the test of time, it must be built on a solid foundation. The foundation for a Christian marriage is the Man Christ Jesus. As with the first marriage in Genesis was a picture of the intimacy God had with Adam before sin entered the world, a Christian marriage is a picture of Jesus and His bride (the church). This is shown in Ephesians 5 where Paul lays out the roles of a husband and wife in their marriage. Paul concludes chapter 5 by saying, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Dr. Emerson Eggerichs suggestions in his book Love and Respect that if a husband would show his wife love and the wife shows her husband respect, most martial issues would be resolved (P. 15).

The foundation of a fortified marriage takes planning. An excellent way to ensure a long-lasting and God pleasing union is making sure the foundation has time to set up properly. The longer the foundation has to become firm, the more likely the structure or building will last. The more time is taken to make sure the foundation is plumb or straight, the straighter the structure or building will be. A solid foundation takes planning and so should a marriage. Laying the proper foundation should start before the proposal.

In their book Pre-Engagement: 5 Questions to Ask Yourselves, David Powlison and John Yenchko lay out the idea if a couple asks five questions regarding each other before a proposal happens, it will prevent pain later in the relationship (P. 2). The first question a couple should ask is are both Christians? According to 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, “I will dwell in them and walk among them; And I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”), Christians should only marry other Christians. Making sure that each person has the same mindset is the ideal situation for a marriage. Some would even suggest if one person is a committed Christian and the other is a carnal (or backslidden) Christian, red flags should go up because this could keep the two from having the same mindset; the mindset of Christ. The second question a couple should ask is what is the track record of solving problems biblically? There is no problem-free marriage, but the couple with a record of solving problems biblically can have confidence that Jesus Christ is active in the relationship (Powlison & Yenchko, 2000). The third question asked in Pre-Engagement: 5 Questions to Ask Yourselves deals with the idea of “leaving and cleaving;” is the couple heading in the same direction in life? Four times the Bible has “leaving and cleaving” with regards to marriage. Leaving implies that the couple no longer follows the agenda of their parents; the couple sets out to create their own agenda for their lives together. Cleaving is a choice to move in the same direction as a couple (Powlison & Yenchko, 2000). The fourth question asked deals with the observation of other people of the couple’s relationship. Couples tend to be star-stuck with one another. People outside of the relationship will see the truth and not the sugar covered allusion. The fifth and final question is if each person in the relationship is willing to accept each other as they are? Fear, guilt, social pressure, and/or twisted sense of fate are not reasons for a couple to get married (Powlison & Yenchko, 2000).

Once the proposal is made and accepted, most couples fail to lay the ground work for a healthy marriage. In the book Love Is A Decision, Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent write that it’s easier to get a marriage license than to get a driver’s license; the average couple will spend over two hundred hours getting ready for the wedding service but less than three hours in any type of premarital counseling (P.17). There are a number of premarital counseling tools couples can draw from to better prepare for marriage.

Dr. Clinton and Dr. Ohlschlager in their book Competent Christian Counseling, write about four types of martial interventions that promote better marriages by focusing on the preparation of marriage, marriage enrichment, church-based interventions (i.e. marriage education, marriage mentoring, and lay ministry counseling, and martial therapy). These hope-focused relationship enhancements can be used for couple enrichment, problem prevention, therapy for strengthening marriages (P. 456). Statistics show that even a small amount of training before the marriage begins will affect in marriage satisfaction in a positive way (Smalley, 1989). Making sure the foundation to a life-long marriage is laid properly; all the ingredients must of in the mix. The main ingredient is making sure God is the center of the relationship. The idea of honor is another important key ingredient to make sure the foundation for a life-long marriage is solid.

1 Peter 3:7 (“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”) focuses on husbands to honor their wives so that their prayers will not be hindered.  The husband is to show honor toward the wife as an equal. When honor is shown, this implies that the person’s opinions carry weight; they are valued (Smalley, 1989). Making sure God is the center of a marriage determines the strength of the foundation, and having honor in the couple’s relationship will further strengthen the union.

Having the proper foundation that is solid and straight will help in the fortification of a marriage. If a Christians’ marriage is truly Christ-centered, their foundation is strong. When storms of life come in forms of illness, financially stress, bitterness, etc. a marriage on a solid foundation will take the beating and still stand tall and strong.

How Past Experiences Play a Part

Knowing how past experiences play a part in a marriage will help fortify a marriage. In the book Why You Do The Things You Do, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the desire for intimacy is the root cause of emptiness and desperation (P. 7). Today’s generation is in search for purpose, meaning and value; many are experiencing a sense of emptiness and isolation (Clinton, 2005).  Some enter marriage to find meaning and value; however, this does not happen.  Each person brings their past to the marriage.

The dominate factor that exists in a marriage is the relationship each person has or had with their parents. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy point out that children depend on their mother’s sensitive and responsive care. The early relationship between mother and child shape chemical processes in the brain. The processes that are being developed are a person’s impulse control, emotional calmness, and early memory development (P.16). A child’s relationship or lack thereof with either a mother or a father will shape a person’s relationship style. Every person has a relationship style. There are four primary styles; Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent, and Disorganized (Clinton, 2006). Knowing what each relationship style and knowing how to work with the style is important to further fortifying a marriage.

The first relationship style is Secure. The beliefs that fuel the Secure style are “I’m worthy of love,” “I’m capable of getting love,” and “Other people are willing and able to love me (Clinton, 2006).” A person with the Secure style is confident in who they are; both in their abilities and in their deficiencies. Secure people don’t feel pressure to perform for others to earn self-worth points. The internal sense of security frees people with this relationship style to freely express their thoughts and opinions with confidence (Clinton, 2006). Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that people with the secure relationship style have been shaped in an environment where their feelings have been respected so in turn, they respect the feelings of other people (P. 52). Since a person with this style has confidence, they trust others; a trust not based on naivety, but based on trusting others that they have selected through a connection (P. 54). Sensitive parenting lays the stepping-stones to a secure relationship style. Sensitive parenting is characterized by four main goals; regulating emotions, knowing a warm relationship, self-awareness, and developmental focus (P.55).

The second relationship style is Avoidant. The beliefs that fuel the Avoidant style are “I’m worthy of love based on my success and accomplishments,” Other people are either unwilling or incapable of loving me,” and “Other people are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs (Clinton, 2006).” Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy’s research shows that avoidant style people can be very desirous of a relationship, but love ones may actually feel much unloved and abandon. The two doctors go further and say that the person with an avoidant style does not enjoy being known because it awakens repressed feelings of loss about not being known as a child by a parent or parents (P. 70). Research has identified insensitive parenting (i.e. dismissive parenting, rejection, and intrusive parenting) as the one behavior that must consistently leads to insecurity and avoidant relationship style (Clinton, 2006).

The third relationship style is Ambivalence. The beliefs that fuel of the Ambivalent style are “I’m not worthy of love,” I’m not capable of getting love without being angry, clingy, or desperate,” and “Other people are capable of meeting my needs but might not do so because of my flaws.” The major factor in this relationship style can be traced back to the fear of abandonment because being raised in an emotionally confusing climate (Clinton, 2006). On the outside, people with the ambivalent relationship style are wonderful people to be around. Their outside shows one thing but in the inside they are full of fear; the fear of abandonment. This fear can be traced to how this style was parented. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the primary goal of good parenting is to help children develop into functioning adults. They go further in their book and show the parenting styles (The Cold-should Treatment, Overprotection, Withholding Affection/Approval, and Invisible Fences) that can produce an ambivalent style person. The cold-shoulder treatment is when a child disagrees with the parent and they push them away emotional. Overprotection is when the parent keeps the child from any type of harm; they remain dependent. Withholding affection and/or approval happens when a child shows too much excitement when try some independence from their parent; this response dampens a child’s sense of autonomy. Invisible fence works a lot like the invisible fencing that keep animals in a yard; there is pain associated when the child crossed an unidentified line. The result for the ambivalent style person is fear and anxiety when faced with independence from the caregiver (P. 96-97).  

The fourth and final relationship style is Disorganized. The beliefs that fuel the Disorganized style are “I’m not worthy of love,” Other people aren’t able to meet my needs,” and “Other people are abusive, and I deserve it.” Persons with this relationship style find darkness everywhere they turn. There is no greener grass on the other side of the fence; the grass is dead on both sides. This relationship style is a product of their upbringing. The person could have suffered abandonment, been treated with inconsistent love and abuse, and have been subjected to contradictory communication; all of which contribute to the person sense of helplessness (Clinton, 2006).

Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that a person’s past experiences will affect who they are in a relationship. The same experiences that created their relationship style will affect a marriage and all other relationships. Past experiences shape how people view their own self-worth. Past connections with people form a relationship style. This style is strongly formed as a person is nursed or not nursed by caregivers and then shaped further by relationships and experiences over the course of a lifetime (P. 179).

The Focal Point

In order to fortify a marriage, what should be the focal point? There are hundreds of books on the market-both secular and Christian-that are focusing on one thing or another. Will knowing the differences between the sexes help save a marriage from divorce? Possibly.  Will knowing the individual personalities help save a marriage from divorce? Maybe; maybe, not. The right question to ask is not what should be the focal point but who should be the focal point? Should the focal point be on the wife; her needs, her desires? No. Should the focal point be on the husband; his needs, his desires? No. Who should be the focal point of a marriage? God should be the focal point of a marriage; He should be at the center of any marriage.

Fortifying a marriage to last a life time takes being focused on keeping God as the center. A marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of Jesus and the church as Paul lays it out in Ephesians 5. For the most point, women dream of their wedding day since childhood. Some read bridal magazines and dream of Prince Charming riding on horseback. According to the Christian worldview, God brings two people together in His time. He either puts people through trials or allows them to take paths that develop and mold them into a person that their future spouse will need. God is the conductor of the marriage; He puts everything and everyone in their place (Tripp, 1999).

Jesus Christ is the foundation for a Christian’s life and marriage is no exception. Having a solid and firm foundation in marriage allows a couple to weather the storms of life. As honor is an ingredient to the marriage foundation, intimacy is another. When most think of the idea of intimacy, sex comes to mind; however, there are multiple levels of intimacy. Dr. Gary Smalley in his book Secrets to Lasting Love, suggests that there are five levels of intimacy. The levels are sharing clichés, sharing facts, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, and sharing needs (P. 28). Dr. Smalley further unpacks the levels of intimacy. Sharing clichés is level one; it’s basically surface talk. Sharing facts is level two; it’s talking about the weather, the office, what going on with friends (it’s a little deeper conversation). Sharing opinions is level three; discussing concerns, dreams, desires, etc. (the couple is getting deeper). Sharing feelings is level four; it’s discussing the deepest of emotions. Sharing needs is level five; it’s the deepest level of love and martial satisfaction (P. 29-31). Knowing the different levels of intimacy will allow a couple to develop a deeper level of communication and doing so will further strengthen the marriage.

Some couples have a misunderstanding that a life ling marriage is centered around love. The Beatles sing “All You Need is Love” is the anthem for many marriages; however, love may not be enough to weather the storms in a marriage. With the divorce rate where it is, love is not nearly enough. Some may say, “Commitment to the ideal of marriage is needed to insure a successful marriage.” For some people, commitment might take them a little farther but the end result is the same.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book Love and Respect, suggests that root of a successful, life long, and loving marriage is found in Ephesians 5. He goes further and says that the root is found in the last verse of chapter 5 (Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. ). Based on verse 33 of Ephesians 5, the main need for a wife is to feel loved by her husband, but what is missed sometimes is the fact that the husband needs to feel respected by the wife (P.15).

Dr. Eggerichs discusses why wives don’t feel loved by their husbands and why the husbands don’t feel respected by their wives. He points out that the wife and the husband in every marriage speak different languages and view the world differently. Dr. Eggerichs says that women hear through pink hearing aids and see the world through pink colored lenses, and men hear through blue hearing aids and see the world through blue colored lenses (P.32-34). In order for each to be able to communicate with the other, both need to decode what is being said. All misunderstandings can be traced back to the fact that women and men see and hear differently. Dr. Eggerichs reaches a conclusion that at the heart of all conflicts in marriage, is a wife who wants to feel loved by her husband and a husband who wants to feel respected by his wife (P. 38). Dr. John Gottman (professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington) confirms that love and respect are the foundation of a successful marriage. When couples talk together there is what Dr. Gottman calls “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect. These are the direct opposite of-and antidote for-contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage (P. 35).”  When a couple loves and respects each other, they honor the One Who put them together.

Conclusion

To insure a marriage is fortified like it’s needed to test the course of time, a marriage needs to have a strong and solid foundation. A fortified marriage starts before the engagement begins; making sure the couple are both on the same page with their commitment level. The fortification continues with seeking premarital counseling to insure each person in the soon to be marriage will be equip to have a God centered marriage. Knowing the past and the relationship styles of each person of the marriage will enable the couple to be able to communicate in a way that will further fortify a marriage to last for a life time. Making sure God is the focal point of the marriage will help set the tempo of each marriage. Understand how each person in a marriage communicates and know their need for love and respect will further strengthen the marriage. A fortified marriage will not only last the test of time, but will also be God honoring.

References

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring For People God’s Way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

  Clinton, T. & Ohlschlager, G. (2002). Competent Christian Counseling. New York, NY: WaterBrook Multnomah.

Powlison, D. & Yenchko, J. (2000). Pre-Engagement: 5 Questions to Ask Yourselves. Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing Company.

Tripp, P.D.. (1999). Marriage: Whose Dream. Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing Company.

Smalley, G. & Trent, J. (1989). Love Is A Decision. Nashville, TN: Word Publishing.

Smalley, G. (2000). Secrets to Lasting Love. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.                    

Clinton, T. & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love & Respect. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

            Divorce Statistics. (n.d.) Precept Austin. Retrieved from http://www.divorcestatistics.org/

            T. Clinton, personal communication, August 21, 2012.

Pride Check List

I’ve come across the below check list while reading “Discipleship Counseling” by Dr. Neil T. Anderson (on page 301). Everyone struggles with this in our lives, because it was the cause of Adam and Eve’s fall from grace. Because of their pride, they wanted to be “like God.” I pray this list maybe used to encourage you. Having a stronger desire to do my will than God’s will Leaning too much on my own understanding and experience rather then seeking God’s guidance through prayer and His Word Relying on my own strengths and abilities instead of depending on the power of the Holy Spirit Being more concerned about controlling others than developing self-control Being too busy doing important things to take time to do the little things for others Having the tendency to think I have no needs Finding it hard to admit when I am wrong Being more concerned about pleasing people than pleasing God Being concerned about getting the credit I feel I deserve Thinking I am more humble, spiritual, religious, or devoted than others

Bible Passages that Encourage Me

In my newest college course, I’m taking a biblical counseling class. Part of my course work is to complete discussion boards. This week’s discussion is asking the two Bible passages that encourage us. Below is my answer. The two top Bible passages that have helped me in my life are James 1:5 (But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.) and Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.). We are who we are through the giftedness God has given us and in part our past. Rick Warren mentions the term S.H.A.P.E. in his books “Purpose Driven Church” and “Purpose Driven Life.” S.H.A.P.E. stands for Spiritual gifts, heart, ability, personality, and experience. God uses all five to make us who we are; good, bad, or indifferent. Because I went through 5 of my 12 years in public school considered “special needs” I hold to James 1:5 because I can not rely on my own wisdom and know God is willing and able to give me the wisdom I need to serve Him. Because I hold to the fact God has called me to serve his people as a pastor, I know that He will enable me to do whatever He calls me to do and be. That’s why Philippians 4:13 encourages me as I serve others and do God’s call on my life. I know I am able to do what I am called to do because based on Ephesians 2:10 (For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.), God has already completed the tasks he has given me to do.

A Ripley Story



It’s been a while since I posted anything on my blog. I’ve been very busy with family, work, college course work, and of course my ministry with Common Ground but I had to share what happened last night.

After dinner, Teresa and I were talking about the week’s schedule (another crazy busy week for the Thomasson clan). We decided I would go ahead and cut the grass last night. After I cut the front yard, I opened our gate to cut the back yard and saw Teresa and Ripley. Teresa took Ripley out with her to clear the yard of stuff. We have a patch of bare ground where I dug up a tree root last fall (it’s the future home of Ripley’s turtle sandbox) and I saw Teresa had allowed Ripley to play in the dirt. Its fine with me; Ripley loves the out doors like her father and grandfather. When Ripley saw me, she had this huge smile on her face. She walked toward me and I walked away from the lawnmower for a hug; I love me Ripley hugs. As I got closer, I saw Ripley had dirt all over her face; it was adorable. I got my min-bear hug from my little girl. After the yard was done, Teresa gave me a cup of water and I took a shower. The plan was for me to take my shower, and then Teresa would shower with Ripley.

After my shower, I came downstairs and Riley was sitting at the dining room table; in her mommy’s chair. She was trying to open the box that has her ABC flash cards. She had torn the box trying to open it. Teresa was finishing up the dishes so I pulled out a chair and sat beside her. I took out the flash cards and started to show her the cards and Ripley told me what each letter was. You see, after our dinner time, we show Ripley her flash cards and she tells us the letters. They are not in order; she knows is ABC’s. She enjoys this so much that she wanted to do it on her own. Ripley loves learning. It amazes me and I am so thankful God is allowing Teresa the time to stay with Ripley during the day so she can teach her. Ripley is 2 ½ and she knows her ABC’s and can count up to 20. We’re working on colors and shapes.

I’m not saying Ripley is a genius, but I am so thankful she loves to learn. I pray that she continues to grow in mind and body. I pray that she will ask Jesus to save her at an early age so she can serve Him all her days. Teresa and I tell her, “Daddy loves you; Mommy loves you; and most importantly, never forget, God loves you.” We say this to her all the time.

Leading and Discipling God’s People

The name that goes hand-in-hand with pastor is under shepherd so the ideal of leading God’s people should be seen through the lenses of caring for and tending to the needs of God’s people. The ultimate example in all things regarding the church is our Head; the person Jesus Christ. Jesus lead by example and with a servant’s heart; doing even the lowest of servants’ jobs by washing the disciples’ feet. Based on Ephesians 4:11-13 (. . . and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.), the pastor’s main role is to equip the Christian to be able to feed themselves the Word of God and be able to reproduce themselves spiritually. This is where discipleship comes into the picture.

The ideal of discipleship is must deeper than most churches portray it. Discipleship is much more than sitting in a Sunday morning classroom and reading a lesson out of a booklet. It’s much more than reading the Bible daily. Discipleship is having a spiritually mature person walk along side of a new Christian and aiding them in their growth. The mature saint is there to help with questions and build a relationship with the new convert. The mature saint will hold the new convert accountable (through love) with the main purpose of them growing in the new walk with Christ. As a person grows in their relationship with Christ, the old (fresh) man weakens and the new (spirit) man grows stronger. Christianity is a relationship with God through the shed blood of Christ so as a new convert grows in their relationship, they will want to do what God wants them to do. The Bible talks about praying, fasting, serving, and the like so the new convert will get to the point where they will want to do these things because they are in love with their Creator and their King. I think where the church has got it wrong is after conversion a person might get a 4 to 6 week class on the basics and let loose; that’s not discipleship. Discipleship is walking beside a new convert as long as it takes for them to grow to maturity. The period will vary and really who matures completely this side of heaven. The idea is for that new convert to one day be the mature Christian walking beside another new convert aiding them in their new found faith.

A Healthy Prayer Life

I was in the middle of answering questions about Pastor Ministry Duties for a course I’m taking for Liberty University and the question about having a healthy prayer life came up. Below is my answer for me and how I see keeping my prayer life healthy. I see this as a personal issue because every Christian prays differently. The key point is to have a consistent one.

“A healthy prayer life looks different for each person. I feel that a healthy prayer life for me consists of praying regularly. The Bible says to pray without stopping. I’ve learned over the years that prayer is just talking with God; knowing that it is because of the shed blood of Christ, I can talk with Him anytime I like and/or need. I think a healthy prayer should have four parts to it; Praise, Confession, Intercession, and Thanksgiving. Starting a prayer with giving praise to the God of the university Who came to earth and took my sin on Himself and making a way for me to be reconnected with Him is a no brainer. After spending time praising God causes me to see sins that I have not confessed to Him; so I do that. Once, I’ve confessed and received forgiveness, I ask God for blesses and needs for others first and then for myself last. I pray for my wife and daughter and then for my family; from my family I pray for my church family and friends and then for special needs I know of; lastly, I pray for my needs. After asking God to intercede for others, I can’t help but thank Him for His greatness and His might. For me, having a healthy prayer life means being transparent to my God and speak from my heart because He already knows my thoughts.”

In case you are wondering how often I pray? I pray throughout the day. I start on my way to work. I pray for most of the driving time (about 20 minutes) and once I get to work, I stop. Throughout the day, I’ll pray as God brings needs to my mind. We serve an awesome God; why shouldn’t we want to talk with Him?