Abstract
Marriage is a commitment between
one man and one woman for life; however, the sanctity of marriage is under
attack. Today’s society has reduced marriage to being a union until one or the
other person is ready to walk away. With the divorce rate giving a couple a
50/50 chance to last, many are wondering how to make a marriage last for a life
time. Marriage takes more than love; a life-long marriage is a decision to keep
the commitment to each other and to the God Who put two people together. A
marriage can be destroyed before a couple are ever wed; diverse issues from a
couple’s past can and will affect how each communicates and how each views the
other will shape the foundation of a marriage. This paper will explain how to
fortify a marriage to ensure a life-long and God honoring union by seeing how
to lay the right foundation, seeing how past experiences play a part, and
keeping God as the focal point. Sources include the book Love and Respect, the book Why
You Do The Things You Do, the book Caring
For People God’s Way, and others.
Keywords: Premarital counseling, marriage, divorce, relationships
Fortifying A Marriage
According Genesis 2:24-25 (For this reason a man shall
leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall
become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not
ashamed.), God instituted marriage. God designed humanity for intimacy. God
created humanity for the most intimate of intimacy; man and woman are to become
one flesh (Clinton, 2006). In the beginning, marriage was a prefect picture of
the relationship between God and man. Marriage is sacred; based on Genesis
2:24-25, the couple (both man and woman) are to leave their families. This means
more than leaving in a moving away sense; it’s more of an emotional leaving in
order for the couple to cleave to one another. Cleaving to each other, the
couple creates a permanent union that cannot and should not be broken. Lastly,
in marriage a couple is to weave or form a oneness. This is the idea God had
for marriage and it was this way until sin entered into the world and sin
warped the ideal of marriage. The warping of the ideal of marriage affects both
secular and Christian marriages.
The warping of the ideal of marriage can be seen in the
statistics on divorce. Current divorce statistics in America is estimated at
50%. This data is not accurately correct, however, it is reasonably close to
the actual rate. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that
"Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce
if current trends continue", which is actually a projection. Commonly
said, 50% of all marriages in the America end in divorce (Divorce Statistics.
n.d.). According to Dr. Clinton in his lecture “The Marriage You’ve Always
Wanted,” he cites a number of statistics that may surprise most people. He
states the regular data that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but goes further
and states that the percentage of couples who separate and remain separated
without actually officially divorcing is 66% to 67% (personal communication, August
21, 2012). With the different information that is available and resources
available, the change of a marriage lasting a life-time is 50%; at best. To
ensure a marriage can be long-lasting and God pleasing union, the marriage must
be fortified.
Laying The Right Foundation
In order for a building to last the test of time, it must
be built on a solid foundation. The foundation for a Christian marriage is the
Man Christ Jesus. As with the first marriage in Genesis was a picture of the
intimacy God had with Adam before sin entered the world, a Christian marriage is
a picture of Jesus and His bride (the church). This is shown in Ephesians 5
where Paul lays out the roles of a husband and wife in their marriage. Paul
concludes chapter 5 by saying, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is
to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects
her husband.” Dr. Emerson Eggerichs suggestions in his book Love and Respect that if a husband would
show his wife love and the wife shows her husband respect, most martial issues
would be resolved (P. 15).
The foundation of a fortified marriage takes planning. An
excellent way to ensure a long-lasting and God pleasing union is making sure
the foundation has time to set up properly. The longer the foundation has to
become firm, the more likely the structure or building will last. The more time
is taken to make sure the foundation is plumb or straight, the straighter the
structure or building will be. A solid foundation takes planning and so should
a marriage. Laying the proper foundation should start before the proposal.
In their book Pre-Engagement:
5 Questions to Ask Yourselves, David Powlison and John Yenchko lay out the
idea if a couple asks five questions regarding each other before a proposal
happens, it will prevent pain later in the relationship (P. 2). The first
question a couple should ask is are both Christians? According to 2 Corinthians
6:14-16 (Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have
righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or
what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an
unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the
temple of the living God; just as God said, “I will dwell in them and walk
among them; And I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”), Christians
should only marry other Christians. Making sure that each person has the same mindset
is the ideal situation for a marriage. Some would even suggest if one person is
a committed Christian and the other is a carnal (or backslidden) Christian, red
flags should go up because this could keep the two from having the same
mindset; the mindset of Christ. The second question a couple should ask is what
is the track record of solving problems biblically? There is no problem-free
marriage, but the couple with a record of solving problems biblically can have
confidence that Jesus Christ is active in the relationship (Powlison &
Yenchko, 2000). The third question asked in Pre-Engagement:
5 Questions to Ask Yourselves deals with the idea of “leaving and
cleaving;” is the couple heading in the same direction in life? Four times the
Bible has “leaving and cleaving” with regards to marriage. Leaving implies that
the couple no longer follows the agenda of their parents; the couple sets out
to create their own agenda for their lives together. Cleaving is a choice to
move in the same direction as a couple (Powlison & Yenchko, 2000). The
fourth question asked deals with the observation of other people of the
couple’s relationship. Couples tend to be star-stuck with one another. People
outside of the relationship will see the truth and not the sugar covered
allusion. The fifth and final question is if each person in the relationship is
willing to accept each other as they are? Fear, guilt, social pressure, and/or twisted
sense of fate are not reasons for a couple to get married (Powlison &
Yenchko, 2000).
Once the proposal is made and accepted, most couples fail
to lay the ground work for a healthy marriage. In the book Love Is A Decision, Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent write that it’s
easier to get a marriage license than to get a driver’s license; the average
couple will spend over two hundred hours getting ready for the wedding service
but less than three hours in any type of premarital counseling (P.17). There
are a number of premarital counseling tools couples can draw from to better
prepare for marriage.
Dr. Clinton and Dr. Ohlschlager in their book Competent Christian Counseling, write
about four types of martial interventions that promote better marriages by
focusing on the preparation of marriage, marriage enrichment, church-based
interventions (i.e. marriage education, marriage mentoring, and lay ministry
counseling, and martial therapy). These hope-focused relationship enhancements
can be used for couple enrichment, problem prevention, therapy for
strengthening marriages (P. 456). Statistics show that even a small amount of
training before the marriage begins will affect in marriage satisfaction in a
positive way (Smalley, 1989). Making sure the foundation to a life-long
marriage is laid properly; all the ingredients must of in the mix. The main
ingredient is making sure God is the center of the relationship. The idea of
honor is another important key ingredient to make sure the foundation for a
life-long marriage is solid.
1 Peter 3:7 (“You husbands in the same way, live with your
wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman;
and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers
will not be hindered.”) focuses on husbands to honor their wives so that their
prayers will not be hindered. The
husband is to show honor toward the wife as an equal. When honor is shown, this
implies that the person’s opinions carry weight; they are valued (Smalley,
1989). Making sure God is the center of a marriage determines the strength of
the foundation, and having honor in the couple’s relationship will further
strengthen the union.
Having the proper foundation that is solid and straight
will help in the fortification of a marriage. If a Christians’ marriage is
truly Christ-centered, their foundation is strong. When storms of life come in
forms of illness, financially stress, bitterness, etc. a marriage on a solid
foundation will take the beating and still stand tall and strong.
How Past Experiences Play a Part
Knowing how past experiences play a part in a marriage
will help fortify a marriage. In the book Why
You Do The Things You Do, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the desire
for intimacy is the root cause of emptiness and desperation (P. 7). Today’s
generation is in search for purpose, meaning and value; many are experiencing a
sense of emptiness and isolation (Clinton, 2005). Some enter marriage to find meaning and value;
however, this does not happen. Each
person brings their past to the marriage.
The dominate factor that exists in a marriage is the
relationship each person has or had with their parents. Dr. Clinton and Dr.
Sibcy point out that children depend
on their mother’s sensitive and responsive care. The early relationship between
mother and child shape chemical processes in the brain. The processes that are
being developed are a person’s impulse control, emotional calmness, and early
memory development (P.16). A child’s relationship or lack thereof with either a
mother or a father will shape a person’s relationship style. Every person has a
relationship style. There are four primary styles; Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent,
and Disorganized (Clinton, 2006). Knowing what each relationship style and
knowing how to work with the style is important to further fortifying a
marriage.
The first relationship style is Secure. The beliefs that
fuel the Secure style are “I’m worthy of love,” “I’m capable of getting love,”
and “Other people are willing and able to love me (Clinton, 2006).” A person
with the Secure style is confident in who they are; both in their abilities and
in their deficiencies. Secure people don’t feel pressure to perform for others
to earn self-worth points. The internal sense of security frees people with
this relationship style to freely express their thoughts and opinions with
confidence (Clinton, 2006). Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that people with
the secure relationship style have been shaped in an environment where their
feelings have been respected so in turn, they respect the feelings of other
people (P. 52). Since a person with this style has confidence, they trust others;
a trust not based on naivety, but based on trusting others that they have
selected through a connection (P. 54). Sensitive parenting lays the
stepping-stones to a secure relationship style. Sensitive parenting is
characterized by four main goals; regulating emotions, knowing a warm
relationship, self-awareness, and developmental focus (P.55).
The second relationship style is Avoidant. The beliefs that
fuel the Avoidant style are “I’m worthy of love based on my success and
accomplishments,” Other people are either unwilling or incapable of loving me,”
and “Other people are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs (Clinton,
2006).” Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy’s research shows that avoidant style people
can be very desirous of a relationship, but love ones may actually feel much
unloved and abandon. The two doctors go further and say that the person with an
avoidant style does not enjoy being known because it awakens repressed feelings
of loss about not being known as a child by a parent or parents (P. 70).
Research has identified insensitive parenting (i.e. dismissive parenting,
rejection, and intrusive parenting) as the one behavior that must consistently
leads to insecurity and avoidant relationship style (Clinton, 2006).
The third relationship style is Ambivalence. The beliefs that
fuel of the Ambivalent style are “I’m not worthy of love,” I’m not capable of
getting love without being angry, clingy, or desperate,” and “Other people are
capable of meeting my needs but might not do so because of my flaws.” The major
factor in this relationship style can be traced back to the fear of abandonment
because being raised in an emotionally confusing climate (Clinton, 2006). On
the outside, people with the ambivalent relationship style are wonderful people
to be around. Their outside shows one thing but in the inside they are full of
fear; the fear of abandonment. This fear can be traced to how this style was
parented. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the primary goal of good
parenting is to help children develop into functioning adults. They go further
in their book and show the parenting styles (The Cold-should Treatment,
Overprotection, Withholding Affection/Approval, and Invisible Fences) that can
produce an ambivalent style person. The cold-shoulder treatment is when a child
disagrees with the parent and they push them away emotional. Overprotection is
when the parent keeps the child from any type of harm; they remain dependent.
Withholding affection and/or approval happens when a child shows too much
excitement when try some independence from their parent; this response dampens
a child’s sense of autonomy. Invisible fence works a lot like the invisible
fencing that keep animals in a yard; there is pain associated when the child
crossed an unidentified line. The result for the ambivalent style person is
fear and anxiety when faced with independence from the caregiver (P. 96-97).
The fourth and final relationship style is Disorganized.
The beliefs that fuel the Disorganized style are “I’m not worthy of love,”
Other people aren’t able to meet my needs,” and “Other people are abusive, and
I deserve it.” Persons with this relationship style find darkness everywhere
they turn. There is no greener grass on the other side of the fence; the grass
is dead on both sides. This relationship style is a product of their
upbringing. The person could have suffered abandonment, been treated with
inconsistent love and abuse, and have been subjected to contradictory
communication; all of which contribute to the person sense of helplessness
(Clinton, 2006).
Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that a person’s past
experiences will affect who they are in a relationship. The same experiences
that created their relationship style will affect a marriage and all other
relationships. Past experiences shape how people view their own self-worth.
Past connections with people form a relationship style. This style is strongly
formed as a person is nursed or not nursed by caregivers and then shaped
further by relationships and experiences over the course of a lifetime (P.
179).
The Focal Point
In order to fortify a
marriage, what should be the focal point? There are hundreds of books on the
market-both secular and Christian-that are focusing on one thing or another.
Will knowing the differences between the sexes help save a marriage from
divorce? Possibly. Will knowing the
individual personalities help save a marriage from divorce? Maybe; maybe, not.
The right question to ask is not what should be the focal point but who should
be the focal point? Should the focal point be on the wife; her needs, her
desires? No. Should the focal point be on the husband; his needs, his desires?
No. Who should be the focal point of a marriage? God should be the focal point
of a marriage; He should be at the center of any marriage.
Fortifying a marriage
to last a life time takes being focused on keeping God as the center. A
marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of Jesus and the church as Paul
lays it out in Ephesians 5. For the most point, women dream of their wedding
day since childhood. Some read bridal magazines and dream of Prince Charming
riding on horseback. According to the Christian worldview, God brings two
people together in His time. He either puts people through trials or allows
them to take paths that develop and mold them into a person that their future
spouse will need. God is the conductor of the marriage; He puts everything and
everyone in their place (Tripp, 1999).
Jesus Christ is the foundation for a Christian’s life and
marriage is no exception. Having a solid and firm foundation in marriage allows
a couple to weather the storms of life. As honor is an ingredient to the
marriage foundation, intimacy is another. When most think of the idea of
intimacy, sex comes to mind; however, there are multiple levels of intimacy.
Dr. Gary Smalley in his book Secrets to
Lasting Love, suggests that there are five levels of intimacy. The levels
are sharing clichés, sharing facts, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, and
sharing needs (P. 28). Dr. Smalley further unpacks the levels of intimacy.
Sharing clichés is level one; it’s basically surface talk. Sharing facts is
level two; it’s talking about the weather, the office, what going on with
friends (it’s a little deeper conversation). Sharing opinions is level three;
discussing concerns, dreams, desires, etc. (the couple is getting deeper). Sharing
feelings is level four; it’s discussing the deepest of emotions. Sharing needs is
level five; it’s the deepest level of love and martial satisfaction (P. 29-31).
Knowing the different levels of intimacy will allow a couple to develop a
deeper level of communication and doing so will further strengthen the
marriage.
Some couples have a misunderstanding that a life ling
marriage is centered around love. The Beatles sing “All You Need is Love” is
the anthem for many marriages; however, love may not be enough to weather the
storms in a marriage. With the divorce rate where it is, love is not nearly
enough. Some may say, “Commitment to the ideal of marriage is needed to insure
a successful marriage.” For some people, commitment might take them a little
farther but the end result is the same.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book Love and Respect, suggests that root of a successful, life long,
and loving marriage is found in Ephesians 5. He goes further and says that the
root is found in the last verse of chapter 5 (Nevertheless, each individual among
you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it
that she respects her husband. ). Based on verse 33 of Ephesians 5, the main
need for a wife is to feel loved by her husband, but what is missed sometimes
is the fact that the husband needs to feel respected by the wife (P.15).
Dr. Eggerichs discusses why wives don’t feel loved by
their husbands and why the husbands don’t feel respected by their wives. He
points out that the wife and the husband in every marriage speak different
languages and view the world differently. Dr. Eggerichs says that women hear
through pink hearing aids and see the world through pink colored lenses, and
men hear through blue hearing aids and see the world through blue colored
lenses (P.32-34). In order for each to be able to communicate with the other,
both need to decode what is being said. All misunderstandings can be traced
back to the fact that women and men see and hear differently. Dr. Eggerichs
reaches a conclusion that at the heart of all conflicts in marriage, is a wife
who wants to feel loved by her husband and a husband who wants to feel
respected by his wife (P. 38). Dr. John Gottman (professor in the Department of
Psychology at the University of Washington) confirms that love and respect are
the foundation of a successful marriage. When couples talk together there is
what Dr. Gottman calls “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love
and Respect. These are the direct opposite of-and antidote for-contempt,
perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage (P. 35).” When a couple loves and respects each other,
they honor the One Who put them together.
Conclusion
To insure a marriage is fortified like it’s needed to test
the course of time, a marriage needs to have a strong and solid foundation. A
fortified marriage starts before the engagement begins; making sure the couple
are both on the same page with their commitment level. The fortification
continues with seeking premarital counseling to insure each person in the soon
to be marriage will be equip to have a God centered marriage. Knowing the past
and the relationship styles of each person of the marriage will enable the
couple to be able to communicate in a way that will further fortify a marriage
to last for a life time. Making sure God is the focal point of the marriage
will help set the tempo of each marriage. Understand how each person in a
marriage communicates and know their need for love and respect will further
strengthen the marriage. A fortified marriage will not only last the test of
time, but will also be God honoring.
References
Clinton, T.,
Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring
For People God’s Way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Clinton, T. & Ohlschlager, G.
(2002). Competent Christian Counseling.
New York, NY: WaterBrook Multnomah.
Powlison, D.
& Yenchko, J. (2000). Pre-Engagement:
5 Questions to Ask Yourselves. Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing
Company.
Tripp, P.D..
(1999). Marriage: Whose Dream.
Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Publishing Company.
Smalley, G.
& Trent, J. (1989). Love Is A
Decision. Nashville, TN: Word Publishing.
Smalley,
G. (2000). Secrets to Lasting Love.
New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Clinton, T.
& Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy
Relationships. Nashville, TN: Thomas
Nelson Publishers.
Eggerichs, E.
(2004). Love & Respect.
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
