The Touchiest Topic
I believe that Christian men have a God given responsibility to be the Spiritual leader of the family. Because God set it up for men to be the leaders of the family, we set the tone for the Spiritual well being of our wives and children. The best way to set this tone is to talk with our wives about our walk with Christ and talk about their walk with Christ.
I found the below article that may help get you started setting the tone for your family. It’s time for the men of God to be the leaders He has made us to be.
The Touchiest Topic
How to make it easier to talk about spiritual things with your spouse
By Tim Sutherland
All couples run into "touchy subjects"—topics that stir up frustration and lead to awkward silences. Sex and money top the list in many marriages. But chances are good that you and your spouse struggle with a third area: how to talk about spiritual things.
Talking in-depth about spiritual issues can create significant anxiety. "Will I sound immature if I talk about my relationship with God? If I'm honest about what's going on in my life, will my spouse think I'm not spiritual enough?" Ever since sin came between the first married couple and God, fear, self-consciousness and embarrassment have made spiritual intimacy a difficult proposition. The vulnerability it takes to talk about matters of faith leads many people to keep the conversation short or avoid it altogether.
A second obstacle is the way each spouse was brought up. Maybe when your mate was growing up, her family talked about Christianity as easily as they did the weather. But at your house, family members rarely spoke of spiritual things beyond saying "good sermon today" on the way home from church. And, of course, many people never even attended church until they became adults. Some people grew up with spiritual expressiveness being as natural as breathing, while to others, it's still a foreign concept.
Add to that a third difference: the natural tendencies of different personality types. In Experiencing God Together, David Stoop writes, "When we approach the subject of spiritual intimacy, our personality differences obviously predispose us to certain approaches to God … and to our basic understanding of how religion relates to life."
For instance, some people have a strong bent toward duty and responsibility. Their spirituality is shaped by their desire to serve and make the right choices. Others are more mystical, emphasizing the importance of experiences and leadings from God. A third personality type is more people-oriented. These folks think of their spirituality in terms of how it relates to the people they care about. Still others are problem-solvers. They are most interested in "how-to's" and identifying the best course of action from a spiritual perspective. A fifth group is more intellectual about faith issues. They emphasize learning facts and grasping spiritual concepts.
Different personalities use different languages of spirituality. If a mystical type marries a problem-solver, they can easily end up talking past each other.
Who's More Interested?
Often, the sticking point comes down to an uneven level of interest. Typically, one partner feels a much stronger need to talk about God to feel close spiritually, while the other is content simply to share activities like worshiping together or spending time with friends from church. Sometimes this difference is a reflection of overall communication patterns: The more-interested partner is more expressive about all areas of life. Other times the more-interested person is experiencing a spiritual "growth spurt" while the less-interested partner is on a plateau.
But whatever the reason, this interest differential can lead to hide-and-seek patterns. One spouse actively pursues spiritually oriented conversations by bringing up first one subject and then another. If the other spouse "hides" by failing to show an interest, the more-interested mate can end up feeling a lot of resentment.
Less-interested mates see things differently. They feel pressured, making them want to hit the "eject" button whenever a spiritual topic arises. Those less interested can also feel they are being judged as less committed in their Christianity simply because they don't talk about it as much. These patterns make a tough topic even tougher. So what can you do?
The "More-Interested" Spouse
If efforts to deepen your spiritual communication have failed, it's time to take a different tack.
1. Learn your partner's language. By becoming more attuned to your spouse's spiritual personality, described earlier, you can learn to use the language that will communicate most effectively.
2. Appeal to your mate's spiritual strengths. If your spouse's spiritual focus is on people and relationships, ask for input and opinions from a relational perspective. If he or she has a more mystical bent, you might ask something like "How can I figure out what God wants me to do in this situation?" When we ask questions that are tuned in to our partners' spiritual wavelength, they may feel they have a lot more to offer.
3. Break the hide-and-seek pattern. Gently end conversations about spiritual matters when you notice your mate is withdrawing or becoming uncomfortable. It's better to try again later than to cause frustration by pressing to keep alive a conversation that's not going anywhere.
4. Catch your partner doing something right.
When you do get spiritual input from your mate, jot him or her a note: "Thanks for your perspective." Expressing your appreciation can go a long way toward easing your spouse's discomfort. When less-interested partners know they'll get credit for the efforts they make to join in spiritual conversations, they are more likely to open up the next time.
The "Less-Interested" Spouse
Even if you don't feel an urgency about deepening the spiritual communication with your spouse, chances are good that he or she does. To meet your spouse half-way, consider some of these steps.
1. Recognize the importance of your role. When it comes to spiritual intimacy, there is something your spouse values deeply that only you can give. Though talking about spiritual matters doesn't come easily to you, God has called you to be your mate's spiritual helper. That's an important role that belongs only to you.
2. Share your fears and uneasiness. Write a letter to your spouse to assure him or her that you know talking about spiritual things is important. Include the reasons you find it difficult to discuss your spiritual life. Don't assume your mate knows these things. Even the letter will count as a spiritual connection to your partner.
3. Recognize that questions are better than answers. Take some pressure off yourself by remembering that active listening and asking good questions both make for good conversations. The role of "spiritual sounding board" is a valuable one, and it's easier than trying to come up with a lot of interesting things to say.
4. Cultivate spiritual expressiveness. You can even do this alone by putting your spiritual life into written words. As you write down your thoughts about God and his work in your life, consider which ones you could share later with your spouse.
Copyright © 1997 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
It’s My World, And You Just Live In It
When Teresa and I were driving back from the White Board Sessions Conference in May, I came up with a comment based on how people were driving on I 95. The comment is, “It’s your world and we just live in it.” In our day and age, people are living their lives with that attitude. It’s the idea of everyone else is second and they are first regardless in what environment. I see it at the gym I workout in, in the stores I shop, and of course on the roads. And the sad thing, I’ve seen it in the church.
I do struggle with having this same attitude when it comes to driving and even while I’m at the gym. It’s all about not be a doormat. I’m a guy and as a guy, I’m not going to just stood aside. It goes against my nature. It’s one of the side-affects of the disease we all have; the disease called SIN.
God tells us in His word, that we are to live in a way that everyone else comes first and we come last. It goes against our nature but that’s the marching orders from God. Jesus Christ who is Lord of all and the Head of the church lived this principle out. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and should have been the One being served while He was on Earth but He came to serve others. He took the servant attitude all the way to the cross. The same attitude should be in His people.
When Teresa and I were driving back from the White Board Sessions Conference in May, I came up with a comment based on how people were driving on I 95. The comment is, “It’s your world and we just live in it.” In our day and age, people are living their lives with that attitude. It’s the idea of everyone else is second and they are first regardless in what environment. I see it at the gym I workout in, in the stores I shop, and of course on the roads. And the sad thing, I’ve seen it in the church.
I do struggle with having this same attitude when it comes to driving and even while I’m at the gym. It’s all about not be a doormat. I’m a guy and as a guy, I’m not going to just stood aside. It goes against my nature. It’s one of the side-affects of the disease we all have; the disease called SIN.
God tells us in His word, that we are to live in a way that everyone else comes first and we come last. It goes against our nature but that’s the marching orders from God. Jesus Christ who is Lord of all and the Head of the church lived this principle out. He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and should have been the One being served while He was on Earth but He came to serve others. He took the servant attitude all the way to the cross. The same attitude should be in His people.
Hanging with the Guys
The last few months, the men of our Sunday morning Bible study have grown close. We’ve talked about doing something outside of church but haven’t planned anything as of yet. Saturday, we are changing that. We’re getting together and having pizza and going to watch “Righteous Kill.” All the guys agreed to show up and wanted to invite all the men of our church to come with us. I sent out an invite and look forward to see who will come.
I’m sure some people may think it weird a “church group” is going to see a rated R movie. The movie is R due to it being realistic and it stars Al Pacino and Robert De Niro (enough said). This is just a chance to hang out with other men and just be ourselves. Seeing people for an hour or two a week doesn’t really show you who they are. Beside, people tend to be on their behavior at church.
My hope is that this will be the first of many such outings. It will be fun to hang out with the guys. The more you hang out, the better you grow to know each other. It’ll be cool.
The last few months, the men of our Sunday morning Bible study have grown close. We’ve talked about doing something outside of church but haven’t planned anything as of yet. Saturday, we are changing that. We’re getting together and having pizza and going to watch “Righteous Kill.” All the guys agreed to show up and wanted to invite all the men of our church to come with us. I sent out an invite and look forward to see who will come.
I’m sure some people may think it weird a “church group” is going to see a rated R movie. The movie is R due to it being realistic and it stars Al Pacino and Robert De Niro (enough said). This is just a chance to hang out with other men and just be ourselves. Seeing people for an hour or two a week doesn’t really show you who they are. Beside, people tend to be on their behavior at church.
My hope is that this will be the first of many such outings. It will be fun to hang out with the guys. The more you hang out, the better you grow to know each other. It’ll be cool.
Monday, September 15, 2008
My Prayer
The Old Testament leader of Israel named Joshua is said to be a foreshadowing of Jesus Christ. In fact, Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew word Joshua. Just as Joshua led Israel to the Promised Land, Jesus is leading us to the promised land of salvation. I came across the below verse in my reading and it hit me between my eyes:
Joshua 1:16 “They answered Joshua, saying, ‘All that you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go.’”
This is my prayer to Jesus Christ. From the young age He made Himself truly real to me, I’ve prayed this prayer. “All that you have commanded me, I will do and wherever you send me, I will go.” Teresa and I are seeking God’s face with our lives as we serve Him. We both made a commitment to follow His lead. Teresa has promised to walk with me where God leads me and I’m keeping (or trying to keep) my eyes on my Leader to follow Him. Wherever He looks or points, we will go. Just as God gave the Promised Land to Israel, He will accomplish His tasks He has assigned to us.
The Old Testament leader of Israel named Joshua is said to be a foreshadowing of Jesus Christ. In fact, Jesus is the Greek translation of the Hebrew word Joshua. Just as Joshua led Israel to the Promised Land, Jesus is leading us to the promised land of salvation. I came across the below verse in my reading and it hit me between my eyes:
Joshua 1:16 “They answered Joshua, saying, ‘All that you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go.’”
This is my prayer to Jesus Christ. From the young age He made Himself truly real to me, I’ve prayed this prayer. “All that you have commanded me, I will do and wherever you send me, I will go.” Teresa and I are seeking God’s face with our lives as we serve Him. We both made a commitment to follow His lead. Teresa has promised to walk with me where God leads me and I’m keeping (or trying to keep) my eyes on my Leader to follow Him. Wherever He looks or points, we will go. Just as God gave the Promised Land to Israel, He will accomplish His tasks He has assigned to us.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
As I'm putting together next Monday's Discovery Group study of John 8:12, I came across the below. I liked it so I thought I'd share it. You may have already read these before.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; real men are not afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t know for sure; they are still counting.
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; but for the light to continue, send in your donation today.
Q: How many members of a church does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten; one to actually change the light bulb and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; real men are not afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t know for sure; they are still counting.
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; but for the light to continue, send in your donation today.
Q: How many members of a church does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten; one to actually change the light bulb and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Two Is Stronger Than One
In the men’s group I lead, we are discussing for the next 2 weeks the importance of men hanging out and talking. Not just talking about sports scores, but in depth discussions. Our group has really grown strong in the last few months and I praise God for what He is doing. It’s not about numbers (even through we’ve gone from averaging 4 to averaging 7 since June). The most awesome part about the growth the last few months is the spiritual growth of the men. I’ve had wives come up to me and tell me that they are seeing a difference in their husbands; now that’s God doing His thing in the men’s hearts and lives. It’s awesome to be used to point men in the right direction.
I saw a program on the History Channel (I love this channel) on Saturday about suspension bridges and how in order to support the bridge multiple cables are used. The builders put individual cables together with a steel shell and add pressure which creates, in essence, one big cable to hold up one side of a bridge. I shared this thought with the men yesterday how God does the same to us (His church). You have one cable and it’s strong, but when you put multiple cables together and hold them together with a strong bonding agent its super strong. Our outside steel shell is God and He adds the pressure (i.e. trials) to bond us and makes us strong together.
John Donne says no man is an island, and we (men’s group) discussed this idea yesterday. We are created to need other people and need to be part of a group or community. There is no such animal as a lone ranger Christian who is healthy spiritually. Without community or fellowship with other believers, you become stagnant. As the Bible puts it, two cords of rope are stronger than one cord. This is the same as the suspension bridge cable theory. Make sure you are connected with a community and grow in Christ. That’s why I’m passionate about small groups. You can call them Sunday School, Bible Studies, Cell Groups, Connection Groups, or even Discovery Groups. Whatever you call them, these are a great way to encourage and equip people to grow in Christ and create a super strong cable to support the bridge that leads people to Christ.
In the men’s group I lead, we are discussing for the next 2 weeks the importance of men hanging out and talking. Not just talking about sports scores, but in depth discussions. Our group has really grown strong in the last few months and I praise God for what He is doing. It’s not about numbers (even through we’ve gone from averaging 4 to averaging 7 since June). The most awesome part about the growth the last few months is the spiritual growth of the men. I’ve had wives come up to me and tell me that they are seeing a difference in their husbands; now that’s God doing His thing in the men’s hearts and lives. It’s awesome to be used to point men in the right direction.
I saw a program on the History Channel (I love this channel) on Saturday about suspension bridges and how in order to support the bridge multiple cables are used. The builders put individual cables together with a steel shell and add pressure which creates, in essence, one big cable to hold up one side of a bridge. I shared this thought with the men yesterday how God does the same to us (His church). You have one cable and it’s strong, but when you put multiple cables together and hold them together with a strong bonding agent its super strong. Our outside steel shell is God and He adds the pressure (i.e. trials) to bond us and makes us strong together.
John Donne says no man is an island, and we (men’s group) discussed this idea yesterday. We are created to need other people and need to be part of a group or community. There is no such animal as a lone ranger Christian who is healthy spiritually. Without community or fellowship with other believers, you become stagnant. As the Bible puts it, two cords of rope are stronger than one cord. This is the same as the suspension bridge cable theory. Make sure you are connected with a community and grow in Christ. That’s why I’m passionate about small groups. You can call them Sunday School, Bible Studies, Cell Groups, Connection Groups, or even Discovery Groups. Whatever you call them, these are a great way to encourage and equip people to grow in Christ and create a super strong cable to support the bridge that leads people to Christ.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
“Not Guilty.”
I'm studying the first 11 verses of John 8 for Monday's Discovery Group. I wanted to share some of the things the Spirit has shown me. Because of the love of Jesus and the grace He gives, the woman caught in adultery was forgiven.
Jesus continues to pass on a message to us, but it is not written in the sand.
It is written on the cross. It is not written with His hand, but with his blood.
Jesus continues to leave a message for us: “Not Guilty.”
So many of us live with negative labels. Sometimes they are not our own fault.
But so many times they are of our own doing. And as a result, we think that our story is one of failure and shame. But you know, it doesn’t have to be. Because our story can be a story of grace. For it is grace that fixes broken lives. It is grace that heals broken hearts and restores estranged sinners.
For Jesus points us to what we are intended to be.
We don’t have to live in our past.
We don’t have live with the label.
We don’t have to live a life that is powerless in the face of temptation and sin.
We are chosen for something more.
It is grace that does not count our sin against us.
It seems to me that it would be easier for God to say, “Let them get what they deserve.” But that is not the kind of God that He is. He is a God that exhibits grace so that we might experience forgiveness, His grace. So we should never forget.
Grace is free to us, but it is not cheap. And it is a grace that we are called on to imitate. For it is grace that looks beyond what someone has done and sees what they can be. As Christians, this is the kind of grace we not only experience, but we are to exhibit as well, so that we may be as Christ…people of grace.
I'm studying the first 11 verses of John 8 for Monday's Discovery Group. I wanted to share some of the things the Spirit has shown me. Because of the love of Jesus and the grace He gives, the woman caught in adultery was forgiven.
Jesus continues to pass on a message to us, but it is not written in the sand.
It is written on the cross. It is not written with His hand, but with his blood.
Jesus continues to leave a message for us: “Not Guilty.”
So many of us live with negative labels. Sometimes they are not our own fault.
But so many times they are of our own doing. And as a result, we think that our story is one of failure and shame. But you know, it doesn’t have to be. Because our story can be a story of grace. For it is grace that fixes broken lives. It is grace that heals broken hearts and restores estranged sinners.
For Jesus points us to what we are intended to be.
We don’t have to live in our past.
We don’t have live with the label.
We don’t have to live a life that is powerless in the face of temptation and sin.
We are chosen for something more.
It is grace that does not count our sin against us.
It seems to me that it would be easier for God to say, “Let them get what they deserve.” But that is not the kind of God that He is. He is a God that exhibits grace so that we might experience forgiveness, His grace. So we should never forget.
Grace is free to us, but it is not cheap. And it is a grace that we are called on to imitate. For it is grace that looks beyond what someone has done and sees what they can be. As Christians, this is the kind of grace we not only experience, but we are to exhibit as well, so that we may be as Christ…people of grace.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Missing Teresa
Teresa left on Monday morning and went to KY to spend a week with her family. She tries to do this once a year. Must of the time, I go with her but I couldn’t this time. It’s only been 2 days and I miss her greatly. I can’t sleep without her in bed with me. It takes 2 days of sleeping alone for me to fall asleep before midnight when Teresa is away. I couldn’t sleep until midnight (and got up at 5 am for work) on Monday so I was so tired last night I passed out around 10:30. After 12 years of marriage, I love the fact I still miss her when she isn’t around. She will be home this weekend, and I’m looking forward to it.
Teresa left on Monday morning and went to KY to spend a week with her family. She tries to do this once a year. Must of the time, I go with her but I couldn’t this time. It’s only been 2 days and I miss her greatly. I can’t sleep without her in bed with me. It takes 2 days of sleeping alone for me to fall asleep before midnight when Teresa is away. I couldn’t sleep until midnight (and got up at 5 am for work) on Monday so I was so tired last night I passed out around 10:30. After 12 years of marriage, I love the fact I still miss her when she isn’t around. She will be home this weekend, and I’m looking forward to it.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Achieved Another Goal
Yesterday I was able to achieve another goal I set for myself. I started running 6 months ago and have run in 2 5K races and an 8K Mud Run. I saw the VA Beach Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon advertised in an issue of Runner’s World and Teresa told me that she thought I could finish it. I started really training for it in mid-July and registered in early August. It was my first national race and will not be my last.
There were around 20,000 people running and there was energy at the starting line. I felt it but didn’t care because I’m not a morning person. Teresa and I got up at 5 am and Teresa dropped me off at the start at 6am. The race started at 7am and I started running at 7:30am. I was in corral 19 of 24. Every 45 seconds to a minute a corral started to avoid too many people running at one time. This was a different type of race because just about every mile there were bands playing music. It was kind of neat.
My goal was to complete the 13.1 mile race without stopping or walking. I went down to a trot a couple of times but never stopped. I saw people walking after less than a mile and that surprised me but they may have different goals than I. I averaged a little over a 12 minute mile and completed the race at 2 hours 41 minutes. I wanted to finished strong and was able to sprint to the finish line. Words cannot describe my feeling at the time other than jazzed and that really doesn’t give it justice.
Yesterday I was able to achieve another goal I set for myself. I started running 6 months ago and have run in 2 5K races and an 8K Mud Run. I saw the VA Beach Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon advertised in an issue of Runner’s World and Teresa told me that she thought I could finish it. I started really training for it in mid-July and registered in early August. It was my first national race and will not be my last.
There were around 20,000 people running and there was energy at the starting line. I felt it but didn’t care because I’m not a morning person. Teresa and I got up at 5 am and Teresa dropped me off at the start at 6am. The race started at 7am and I started running at 7:30am. I was in corral 19 of 24. Every 45 seconds to a minute a corral started to avoid too many people running at one time. This was a different type of race because just about every mile there were bands playing music. It was kind of neat.
My goal was to complete the 13.1 mile race without stopping or walking. I went down to a trot a couple of times but never stopped. I saw people walking after less than a mile and that surprised me but they may have different goals than I. I averaged a little over a 12 minute mile and completed the race at 2 hours 41 minutes. I wanted to finished strong and was able to sprint to the finish line. Words cannot describe my feeling at the time other than jazzed and that really doesn’t give it justice.
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