Abstract
Worldviews affect how children are
viewed and treated. The Christian worldview says God is the One who gives
children to couples. The secular worldview says that it takes a village to
raise children. The Christian worldview says that parents are the ones who are
tasked to raise children using the Bible as a blueprint. Proverbs 22:6 says,
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not
depart from it.” The secular worldview says that parenting philosophies and
styles should be fluid and change; what’s good for one generation was good for
that generation and the newer generation will parent children differently. This
paper will explain how to raise children of character by creating and upholding
boundaries, having the right balance of healthy love, and overcoming the parents’
past. Sources include the book Loving
Your Child Too Much, the book Boundaries
With Kids, the book Caring For People
God’s Way, and others.
Keywords: Parenting, character, boundaries, balance
Raising Children of Character
Parents tend to parent for the present without thinking
about the future. Parents deal with the issues of the current day-children
fighting with siblings, talking back, or caring for hurts-with little or no
thought on the big picture of raising their children. Making it through the day
in one piece is a victory. One goal of parenting is keeping an eye on the
future; developing children to be responsible adults (Cloud, 1998 P. 14). In their book Boundaries With Kids, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend share
that parents are preparing their children for the future; that a person’s character
is their destiny. Character largely determines how a person will function in
life. That character is almost everything (P. 14). A person’s character makeup
determines their future.
The word character has different meanings to different
people. For some, character deals with morality. Everyone, both child and adult
alike, struggle with an inner warfare of the heart that is expressed externally
in issues of character (Clinton, 2002. P. 182). It is God Who has enabled
humanity to have a healthy relationship with Himself through His Son’s blood
which enables humanity to have a well-developed character. Character describes
a person’s entire makeup; morality, spirituality, and integrity. Basically, character is who a person truly is
(Cloud, 1998 P.14). With everything pulling at children, parents must have a
laser focus to help their children develop into an adult with character.
Creating and Upholding Boundaries
In psychological terms, children are egocentric; the world
revolves around their needs and desires. When children are infants, they are
dependent on their parents to care for all their needs (i.e. feedings, clean
diapers, bathes, etc.). As infants grow into toddlers and into children,
boundaries are to be put in place to help the child learn and develop into
responsible adults; adults with character. A boundary is a property line that
defines where one person ends and someone else begins (Cloud, 1998, P. 17).
Boundaries help children learn they are not the center of the universe. It is
the job of the parents to create boundaries to help teach their children
self-control.
Parents are creating their children’s future so creating
reasonable boundaries from early in a child’s life goes a long way to establish
positive patterns. Adults live out what they were taught as children so it is
important for parents to not only create boundaries but uphold or enforce them
(Cloud, 1998, P. 15). The Bible is clear on how important parents are in the
lives of their children; Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he
should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The idea of
training implies time; it will take time and commitment by parents to teach their
children and boundaries help children to develop self-control and ultimately
character.
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book Boundaries With Kids, provide lessons or
principles to help parents create and uphold boundaries for their children.
These principles are designed to help children learn to be well-rounded,
healthy, and responsible adults. At first children will not appreciate the
boundaries their parents set for them; they will push back; however, it is the
job of the parent to lovingly uphold or enforce the boundaries. The boundaries
are there to help their growth and not hinder their growth.
One lesson parents should teach children is to distinguish
between psychological and negative relational consequences verses reality
consequences. Psychological and negative relational consequences (i.e. nagging,
withdrawing love, getting angry, etc.) usually motivate people to change but
those changes are short lived. Reality consequences (i.e. pain or loss of time,
money, possessions, etc.) help create long term or permanent changes in
behavior (Cloud, 1998. P. 58).
Another lesson parents should teach their children is
learning to be responsible. Children are to grow in their responsibility in
such areas as their emotions, attitudes, and behavior. When a child develops responsibility
in the area of emotions, they are able to label their feelings. When a child
develops responsibility in the area of attitudes, they will be equipped to take
stances and generate an opinion toward people and issues. When a child develops
responsibility in the area of behavior, they will be able to conduct themselves
well in private and in public. Learning the lesson of responsibility will
develop children’s self-control (Cloud, 1998. P. 76-80).
To create appropriate boundaries, children need to have
power; to have the ability to control something. This power can range from
putting together a puzzle to dancing in a dance recital. Learning the proper
use of power helps children develop their boundaries (Cloud, 1998. P. 88).
Parents are to be hands on, to be a guide, to help their child in this process.
The child will need help to know what power they have and know what power they
do not have; since children do not have the maturity to know that they have
limits. Parents are to help to teach the child to accept their limits (Cloud,
1998. P. 99). During this process, parents are the one in control and not the
children. During this lesson-as with other life lessons- parents are to guide
their children through the process of developing and growing into an adult of
character.
For some parents, creating boundaries might be easy but
upholding or enforcing the boundaries will be more challenging. Children need
more than a parent who talks about boundaries; they need a parent who will be
the boundaries (Cloud, 1998. P. 207). There are three reality checks that
parents must come to terms with when parenting children. Children are sinners
just like adults. Romans 3:23 says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the
glory of God,” so they are not perfect. The second reality check is that since
children aren’t prefect, children behavior and their attitude might drive a
parent crazy. Bad behavior or bad attitude could be a symptom of another
problem; possibility a problem with the boundary being set by the parent.
Parents must be patient because the child’s character is still being developed.
The third reality is that time doesn’t always heal all everything. Don’t push
off correction and enforcement of boundaries hoping a child will outgrow bad
behavior or an attitude. Parents shouldn’t avoid dealing with problems. By
avoiding a child’s bad behavior or poor attitude, the devil could have an
opportunity to stunt the growth of character development (Cloud, 1998. P.
208-210).
By creating and upholding boundaries, parents are laying a
strong foundation for their children to grow into adults of character. Having
the right balance of healthy love between parents and children will go even
further in raising children of character.
Having the Right Balance of Healthy
Love
To raise children of character, there must be a balance of
healthy love. In the book Loving Your
Child Too Much, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that there is a love gap
between parents and their children. This occurs when parents overprotect, overcontrol,
or overindulge their children (P. 5). The issue isn’t that parents don’t love
their children, it’s the decisions parents make in the name of love that is
creating an imbalance (Clinton, 2006. P. 7).
Good parents want to see their children safe and content.
The issue is when parents overapply their love toward their children that is causing
the damage. Protecting children from the evil of the world is a God-given
responsibility to parents. But overprotecting will bruise the spirit and keep a
child from growing into strong, independent adult capable of earning trust and
making good decisions (Clinton, 2006. P. 9).
Overcontrolling parents do so from a healthy desire to
help their children to take ownership of their behavior and learn to live
within limits. This method usually backfires causing the child to rebel, become
angry, and emotionally withdrawn. These parents only want their children to
succeed, but instead allowing their children the reasonable latitude they
stress perfectionism (Clinton, 2006. P. 11). The word usually said by parents who are
overcontrolling is “No.”
While the overcontrolling parent says “No;” the parent who
overindulges says “Yes.” Yes to clothes; yes to toys; yes to privileges. Overindulged
children become addicted to the next great thing. These children live in a
cycle of dissatisfaction and greed. The reason parents overindulge range from
guilt to issues from their own childhood (Clinton, 2006. P. 12-13).
Parents who overprotect, overcontrol, or overindulge their
children mean well. These parents are doing their best to raise their children;
however, they are not raising children of character. Parents are the key factor
how children turn out. Parents set the tone; especially the fathers. Dr. Gary Smalley
in his book The Key To Your Child’s Heart,
writes that there are four basic categories of parents. Two types of parents
tend to cause their children to resent authority, and two types that tend to
produce more positive acting children (P. 48). The four basic types of parents
are the Dominant Parent, the Neglectful Parent, the Permissive Parent, and the
Loving and Firm Parent. The dominant parents have lower ability to show love or
warm support; they tend to hold to established rigid rules and limitations. The
neglectful parents tend to lack warmth and loving support and do not set limits
or rules around the house. The permissive parents have a greater tendency to be
loving, warm, supportive, and approving, but lack the ability to establish
clearly defined rules and limits. The loving and firming parents have established
clearly defined limits and rules and are more diligent in communicating warmth
and love toward their children (Smalley, 1992. P. 58).
The key to raising children of character is balance; a
healthy balance of love. There is always time to change from overprotecting,
overcontrolling, overindulging, being a dominant, a neglectful, or a permissive
parent to being a loving and firming parent.
The Bible offers parents help with understanding what love
truly means and how to love. Jesus explains in Matthew 22:37-40, that God’s
entire law rests on the principle of love: loving God and loving neighbors.
Parents are to train their children to be able to love others and to be able to
receive love (Clinton, 2006. P.62). The best way for parents to train their
children to love is to model how to love. Parents should follow the “Golden
Rule of Parenting,” which is to treat their children the way the parent wishes
to be treated. This is based on Matthew 7:12. By following the “Golden Rule of
Parenting,” a foundation of healthy balanced love between parent and child is
laid (Clinton, 2006. P. 63). A strong element to healthy and balanced love is a
relationship, and this relationship will affect a child’s behavior and help in
the development of character.
Good behavior is anchored by a strong, loving
relationship. In the book Loving Your
Child Too Much, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write about a philosophy called
the “Three R’s of Parenting.” The three R’s are rules, relationship, and respect;
rules with relationship lead to respect, but rules without relationship lead to
rebellion (P. 74). There are five elements to positive relationships; they are
empathy, assertiveness, respect, warmth, and responsiveness. Empathy is the
ability to understand another person’s feelings. This is one of the most
powerful qualities in a relationship. Assertiveness is respectfully expressing
one’s feelings and perspectives. Respect
is more shown than taught; children observe how parents treat each other.
Warmth is an emotional tone. It’s in a person’s facial expressions and body
language. Responsive parents understand that each one of their children are
unique and different; each were created by God for a purpose (Clinton, 2006. P.
76-79). The balance of healthy love in a relationship is the heart of being a
parent; a parent who is raising children of character.
Overcoming The Past
Parents tend to use the
same parenting style their parents used; good, bad, or indifferent. What if
this style goes against creating and upholding boundaries and having the right
balance of healthy love? The majority of those who are overprotecting,
overcontrolling, or overindulging parents had parents who were overprotecting,
overcontrolling, and/or overindulging. In order for some parents to be able to
raise children of character, these parents need to overcome their past.
In order for a parent
to overcome their past, this person must examine their past to avoid repeating errors
in their own children’s lives and affecting their future. Unless a concerted
effect is made, bad habits can be passed on in families from generation to
generation. The generational connection is passed on genetically, environmentally,
and spiritually. Knowing a person’s genetically predisposition, their
environmentally predisposition, and their spiritually predisposition will help
know how to stop the harmful cycle. The Bible’s Old Testament (Exodus 20:5;
Numbers 14:18; Nehemiah 9:2) speaks how generational sins can be broken so the
next generation can be free from repeating the cycle (Anderson, 1995. P.
330-334).
A person’s spiritual predisposition plays a large part in how
a person parents their children. Even if a parent is a Christian, they still
have an environmental predisposition that will influence their parenting style.
Every parent defaults to how they are parented when under stress. In order to
help limit this, ever person must examine how they were parented and seek God’s
help to overcome a harmful parenting legacy.
In the book Why You
Do The Things You Do, Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write that children depend
on their mother’s sensitive and responsive care. The early relationship between
mother and child shape chemical processes in the brain. The processes that are
being developed are a person’s impulse control, emotional calmness, and early
memory development (P.16). A child’s relationship or lack thereof with either a
mother or a father will shape a person’s relationship style. Every person has a
relationship style. There are four primary styles; Secure, Avoidant,
Ambivalent, and Disorganized (Clinton, 2006 P. 49-126). Knowing what each
relationship style will help a parent know how their past could affect their
children’s development into children of character.
The first relationship style is Secure. The beliefs that
fuel the Secure style are “I’m worthy of love,” “I’m capable of getting love,”
and “Other people are willing and able to love me (Clinton, 2006 P. 49).” A
person with the Secure style is confident in who they are; both in their
abilities and in their deficiencies. Secure people don’t feel pressure to
perform for others to earn self-worth points. The internal sense of security
frees people with this relationship style to freely express their thoughts and
opinions with confidence (Clinton, 2006 P. 51). Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy write
that people with the secure relationship style have been shaped in an environment
where their feelings have been respected so in turn, they respect the feelings
of other people (P. 52). Since a person with this style has confidence, they
trust others; a trust not based on naivety, but based on trusting others that
they have selected through a connection (P. 54). Sensitive parenting lays the
stepping-stones to a secure relationship style. Sensitive parenting is
characterized by four main goals; regulating emotions, knowing a warm
relationship, self-awareness, and developmental focus (P.55).
The second relationship style is Avoidant. The beliefs
that fuel the Avoidant style are “I’m worthy of love based on my success and
accomplishments,” Other people are either unwilling or incapable of loving me,”
and “Other people are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs (Clinton,
2006 P. 67).” Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy’s research shows that avoidant style
people can be very desirous of a relationship, but love ones may actually feel
much unloved and abandon. The two doctors go further and say that the person
with an avoidant style does not enjoy being known because it awakens repressed
feelings of loss about not being known as a child by a parent or parents (P.
70). Research has identified insensitive parenting (i.e. dismissive parenting,
rejection, and intrusive parenting) as the one behavior that must consistently
leads to insecurity and avoidant relationship style (Clinton, 2006 P. 83).
The third relationship style is Ambivalence. The beliefs
that fuel of the Ambivalent style are “I’m not worthy of love,” I’m not capable
of getting love without being angry, clingy, or desperate,” and “Other people
are capable of meeting my needs but might not do so because of my flaws.” The
major factor in this relationship style can be traced back to the fear of
abandonment because being raised in an emotionally confusing climate (Clinton,
2006 P. 87). On the outside, people with the ambivalent relationship style are
wonderful people to be around. Their outside shows one thing but in the inside
they are full of fear; the fear of abandonment. This fear can be traced to how
this style was parented. Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy suggest that the primary
goal of good parenting is to help children develop into functioning adults.
They go further in their book and show the parenting styles (The Cold-should
Treatment, Overprotection, Withholding Affection/Approval, and Invisible
Fences) that can produce an ambivalent style person. The cold-shoulder
treatment is when a child disagrees with the parent and they push them away
emotional. Overprotection is when the parent keeps the child from any type of
harm; they remain dependent. Withholding affection and/or approval happens when
a child shows too much excitement when try some independence from their parent;
this response dampens a child’s sense of autonomy. Invisible fence works a lot
like the invisible fencing that keep animals in a yard; there is pain
associated when the child crossed an unidentified line. The result for the
ambivalent style person is fear and anxiety when faced with independence from
the caregiver (P. 96-97).
The fourth and final relationship style is Disorganized.
The beliefs that fuel the Disorganized style are “I’m not worthy of love,”
Other people aren’t able to meet my needs,” and “Other people are abusive, and
I deserve it (Clinton, 2006 P. 103).” Persons with this relationship style find
darkness everywhere they turn. There is no greener grass on the other side of
the fence; the grass is dead on both sides. This relationship style is a product
of their upbringing. The person could have suffered abandonment, been treated
with inconsistent love and abuse, and have been subjected to contradictory
communication; all of which contribute to the person sense of helplessness
(Clinton, 2006 P. 103-105). (Thomasson, 2012)
Parents can overcome their past with the power of God in
their lives. Because of the blood of Christ and the indwelling of the Holy
Spirit, parents can do all thing through Christ (Philippians 4:13). For some,
the best way to overcome the past is to forgive; forgiving parents for failures
in order to be able to parent the next generation. A person’s motivation to
forgive is to please God (Clinton, 2005 P. 119). Parents who overcome their
past are better equipped to lovingly guide their children to grow into adults
of character.
Conclusion
Children raised with good boundaries learn to be
responsible for their lives and the choices made; for the responsible adult,
the sky is the limit (Cloud, 1998. P. 28). Children are a heritage from God;
parents who love their children without overprotecting, overcontrolling, or
overindulging are creating fertile ground where character can be grown. When
parents overcome their past so it will not affect their ability to set
appropriate boundaries and give balanced love, their children benefit. Parents
need to remember that children learn most of life lessons from their parents by
watching how the parents live. In order to raise children of character, parents
need to model character for their children.
References
Clinton, T.,
Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring
For People God’s Way. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Clinton, T.
& Ohlschlager, G. (2002). Competent
Christian Counseling. New York, NY: WaterBrook Multnomah.
Clinton, T.
& Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The
Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville, TN: Thomas
Nelson Publishers.
Anderson, D. N.
(2003). Discipleship Counseling.
Ventura, CA: Regal.
Cloud, H. &
Townsend, J (1998). Boundaries With Kids.
Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Clinton, T.
& Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving Your Child
Too Much. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Smalley, Gary
(1992). The Key To Your Child’s Heart.
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.
